Saturday, November 28, 2009

The Girl That Gave Thanks

THE GIRL THAT GAVE THANKS
BY: PHILLIES PHAN
The Mayflower tossed on the waves, and buckets were rolling everywhere. Everybody was waiting for the cry that would signify that they have finally reached land. No such cry was heard at the moment. “Mama,” called out Lucida “when will we see land? It seems that this storm will just go on forever, and will wreck the ship.” “Do not worry, God will protect us.” said Lucida’s mom. In fact, the mom, nor anybody else in the ship knew when they would reach land. They had been waiting for months just to find this “promised land”. A long while back, Columbus had described it as a wonderful land. They were sure hoping he was right, for they were going to this New World to escape from the heavy government. “Land ahoy!” cried a sailor with great joy. A great crowd gathered on the deck to see this land. “Are you seeing things, because last time you said that, it was only a haze!” cried the captain, hoping to discover land himself. “No sir! This time I looked for about twenty minutes to make sure!” said the sailor, with a little pride in his voice. “ Twenty minutes! Why, I could spot a flea a mile away in the amount of time!” said the captain fuming. “Sorry, sir…” stammered the sailor, realizing that being a sailor was not a simple job. “Anyway, there IS land out there, and I am SURE it is the land we are looking for, so how about we prepare for it!” Lucida interrupted, with a little bit of an eager air about her. So the crowd thinned to get ready to land, whispering all the way about what this land could possibly be like. The next day they landed, and everybody forgot all of their troubles for a minute as they looked upon the land that was going to be their land. “Just what I imagined!” sighed the sailor, “Magnificent!” “But you were to busy to notice my dear sailor, but it was I who was the one who noticed.” argued the captain., “It is not how you imagined it, because for one thing your imagination is way off, which is good for a sailor, for they are to be working, NOT dreaming!” Lucida then told them that it is no use to argue when the argument will not improve anything. Their arguing stopped for five days. Within those five days, a lot of things happened (I will not talk much about, just for the sake of time), and one of them was the arrival of the Indians. At first the Pilgrims were shocked that there were other inhabitants other than themselves in those parts, and then they became great friends. On the last Thursday of November, the Pilgrims were harvesting their crops, and when the last bushel was taken out of the ground, Lucida (who was watching) ran up and announced that the last bushel was harvested, and in her last sentence she said “Let us be thankful today, and give God thanks for everything He has done for us! How fun it would be if the whole world treated this day, like a holiday!” “Nonsense! We have worked really hard to get here, and to grow these crops, so why should we be joyful for our troubles have been more than our happy moments!” cried a bitter man, who always thought of the labor he put into it, and never of the good that came out of it. “The work was worth it, don’t you think? And this might be the only relaxing day since we came here, but that is why we should be thankful, that after all of our hard work, plus the Indians, and especially Gods, we should be thankful for this day!” Those words were the first words that entered the great feast that followed, and the last words to go out. So let me leave you with this, Happy Thanksgiving!

8 comments:

  1. Very nice! i do have a few tips, though. keep in mind, as you write dialouge, to mention the carachter that's sayying it. for example write:

    "hey!" Bob said. "What's up Jimmy?"

    "Not much Bob," Jimmy replied, bounding up to his best friend. "Wanna come see my new
    puppies?"

    "sure!"

    as you can see, mentioning the character that's speaking at the first reasonable break in a sentence, and adding a bit of description in the dialouge, is helpful to the reader, as they imagine the story. and, as you can see, if the reader knows there are only two people speaking, or if one person is answering a string of questions from an unidentified audience, you can leave out the whole Bob said, Jimmy said part.

    as you write try to view your story through the readers point of view, weaving in bits of excitement earlier on in the story, making the dialouge and description easy and fun to read (unless you're writing some large old English novel), and making the reader want to keep reading.

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  2. True... and you always put a paragraph break plus indent before any dialogue from a new speaker. That way your reader doesn't get confused. To an extent, writing is about the reader, though some rather selfish authors would say otherwise.

    Example:

    DO THIS

    "Hi, Tom. How are you?" Jerry asked. "Have you gotten over your cold yet?"
    "Good to see you, Jerry. No, I think I still have a few sniffles," Tom replied.

    NOT THIS

    "Hi, Tom. How are you?" Jerry asked. "Have you gotten over your cold yet?" "Good to see you, Jerry. No, I think I still have a few sniffles," Tom replied.

    So anyway... don't be afraid of paragraph breaks. They, along with good comma usage, are your best friends.

    Also, since this is a (very) short story, it's really, really difficult to develop any kind of plot. If you're going to write something this short, you could experiment with the James Joyce style of writing (stream-of-consciousness... Google that). While I personally fall asleep over such writing, many people find it interesting, I'm told. Thus, you might want to try it on your next super-short piece (but DON'T write a whole book like that or it'll drive people nuts).

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  3. By the way, I just realized that it doesn't work so great to transfer indented formatting to this webpage. Oh, well. Indent anyway (FIVE spaces, if you please) and remind yourself that it's the thought that counts. =D

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  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  5. Okay... I can't find a simple explanation of James Joyce's writing style anywhere. Just biographies and summaries. What does he write like? If it's anything like J.R.R. Tolkien, I don't want to know...

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  6. Joyce is nothing like Tolkien. Nothing at all. Joyce wrote without a plot (yes, I'm serious). Simplistically, that's what stream-of-consciousness is about. All stream-of-consciousness stories are character stories, whereas fantasy is generally comprised of milieu stories. In stream-of-consciousness, you follow somebody's thoughts as they occur and pay no attention whatsoever to actual time.

    Here's a link to Dubliners, which is a collection of (mercifully) short stories: http://www.gutenberg.org/catalog/world/readfile?fk_files=1053365

    Long posts, guys, jeez. You gotta stop that. =P

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